unautremonde | "In the deep end..." - gen, Cate centric (Reply)

Author: Jem (me, duh)
Pairing: none so far. Cate character piece.
Rating: I'll say PG-13, but only because I typed "sex" in there somewhere and I'm always cautious. It's really probably more like G, though.
Warnings: uh... I don't know. Nothing really. Mentions of lesbianism, mentions of het...
Summary: It had never really occurred to her to think of herself as anything other than straight...
Disclaimer: I'm already physically sick, so it makes sense that I'd be mentally deranged as well. Didn't your mother ever teach you not to listen to the crazy strangers out there? Want candy?
In other words, none of this is true.
Author's note: Thanks to my Lilli for having a look at this. I know you didn't much enjoy it, but your pointers did help, so thank you. I love you and I miss you, by the way. Thanks also to devilherself for a very thorough and lovely beta. Your comments cracked me up, seriously. Re-reading them today actually cheered me up a lot. Not to mention helped me make this thing a bit better. So thanks to the both of you.

In the Deep End...

To be satisfied with a little, is the greatest wisdom;
and he that increaseth his riches, increaseth his cares;
but a contented mind is a hidden treasure, and trouble findeth it not.

Akhenaton

It had never really occurred to her to think of herself as anything other than straight.

Sure, she’d experimented. You didn’t spend years attending a Methodist Ladies College without at least wondering about it. And she’d done more than just wonder. She could still remember sticky sweet kisses, blamed on too much alcohol and the convenience of dark corners and a couple of good friends.

But no, she’d never really given any of it much thought.

She’d grown up with a dream. A dream that had never been to become famous, to act in the limelight. That had come later, a passion revealed very much like the passion some people discovered they had for teaching. The way she saw it, if some people were good at... say... accounting, then they had to go do something about it. It would be silly to be a genius at balancing a checkbook, and go on to become a surgeon. Or vice versa.

So yes, she’d grown up with a dream, but no, that dream hadn’t been what everyone thought it had. Mainly, she’d dreamt of growing up, getting married, and having the average 2.5 kids.

As the years went by, she became aware that the world she’d thrown herself into entertained more than the crowds. It entertained a strange relationship with gender distinctions and sexual orientations.

Not that it ever mattered to her. Her days of questioning her urges were long since gone, and she never found herself needing to sleep her way up. She had talent, she guessed, and so remained remote enough from all sexual predators. Nevertheless. She couldn’t help but notice how many clichés actually took root within the profession’s traditions. The entertainment industry had the reputation of being predominantly queer, the appearance of being predominantly straight, and probably was in reality somewhere on the middle road. Cate found that she could define the people she worked with as being mostly straight, but never narrow.

It was no small miracle that her dream remained intact. She acted, grew, made a name for herself as an actress, and yet, managed to retain some of the innocence that was supposedly so hard not to lose.

By the time she turned thirty, people viewed her as the wise British-like actress with the twinkle in her eye, the witty understated sense of humor, and a beauty that gave most people pause. She went into her jobs with determined—yet childishly refreshing—enthusiasm and seriousness.

She’d also met Andrew.

She’d been nursing her dream of being a wife for so long, now, and yet, it had never really occurred to her that attraction—sexual attraction—might have to some day come into play. As far as she was concerned, love and the fulfillment of her dream did not have to rest upon finding someone she was sexually attracted to.

She was sexy, she knew as much. She was sexy, beautiful, attractive... but she wasn’t very sensual. Hugging people didn’t come naturally to her. Fake kisses, embraces... all those public displays of affection so many of her co-workers favored, made her feel strangely ill-at-ease.

It wasn’t that she didn’t fall in love. It wasn’t even that she didn’t have lovers. It was simply that she couldn’t find comfort in the physical aspects of her relationships. Quite the opposite, actually.

She fell in love everyday, liked to meet new people, to share her passions with them, to build new friendships. But when the time came to move those friendships onto a different plane, she found that she couldn’t give what her lovers expected to get from her. They wanted passionate kisses, soulful declarations of eternal love... and they wanted sex.

A lot of sex.

Cate felt that sex was more trouble than it was worth. Of course, there was pleasure to be taken. But she didn’t think that sex was anything like what most of her friends made it out to be. To her, sex wasn’t about multiple orgasms, or even about one earth-shattering moment of pleasure. To her, sex was a clash of sweaty bodies, soreness that wasn’t always redeemed by enough pleasure, and the sticky mess of the aftermath. Not to mention that sex seemed to be such a selfish act.

All in all, sex bored her.

She was, of course, aware that her attitude towards what seemed to be ruling the world—besides money, and she had plenty of that—made her appear cold. She had the kind of beauty that people revered in works of art, but not the kind of beauty that made people want to tear her clothes off. Which, considering, was just as well.

So when Andrew walked into her life, he turned out to be perfect. He was a writer, yes, but he didn’t seem to be expecting more from her than what she could offer. He didn’t appear to share any of the romantic notions a lot of people had tried to project upon her. Their relationship was immediately safe. Safe, quiet, and very friendly.

Sex was a part of it, of course. But it wasn’t at the heart of their commitment to each other. They shared far more than lust, and Cate’s dream of marrying her best friend soon came to be fulfilled. Andrew gave her what she’d been looking for all along, one half of her dream. He’d doubtless end up giving her the other half as well.

By the time she turned thirty, Cate was as content as she could have hoped to be.

TBC.... or not.